From fear to calm...

Ever since my big sister Andréa died when I was 6 years old, the day that I have feared the most is when something happens to one of my parents.  I have feared the fact that no one else can understand exactly how I feel, because no one knows my parents exactly the way I know them.  I have feared that I would feel so extremely lonely...
After my Mother's passing I surprisingly find myself mostly calm.  The outpour of support and comforting thoughts from friends and family has of course helped a lot.  But I think the fact that my Mother was in complete peace when she passed has had the biggest impact on me.  She received everything she asked for and was only sedated for a day - half of which she even communicated with us at times.  She was not in pain... not afraid... and she was ready... in her home where she felt safe.

When I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday she asked me if I got to say everything I needed.  That thought hadn't even entered my mind.  With the relationship that my Mother and I had we communicated everything to each other.  There is nothing that I feel has been unsaid and I feel fortunate that I could just be there to comfort, support and help her through her passing.

I know some of you are worried that I don't allow myself to feel.  But I have cried and I'm not trying to be strong.  I'm not afraid to show my feelings and I'm sure there will be days that are tougher than others... but I'm okay with that.

I've always admired my Mother for the incredible strength she's had and how she's stayed positive and looking forward through the deepest, darkest tragedies and maybe... just maybe I've inherited some of that strength.

I'm also comforted by the fact that my Mother has touched so many lives and will live on in not only her family's lives, but in so many others.  She told me to remember the good times and how can I not remember our amazing, crazy times?  I will share with you one of my favorite memories...
Porter had just had his 5th birthday with an incredible Pirate party in the park and Oliver kept asking for us to make him a Surprise party also.  He asked for a Tiger-Lion party and wanted us to say "one, two, three... surprise!!!" and sing happy birthday.  One day when Ollie went down for his nap my Mom said Let's do that party!  We had roughly an hour - my Mom baked an awesome roll up lion cake out of her imagination.  We painted our faces and had the best afternoon and evening one can imagine!

Push arrow for video...

In the evening we went downtown Huntington Beach and had a sushi dinner.  This guy came up and asked what we were celebrating.  Nothing special, we said - just having a good day!

Love, respect and pride...