What happens now???

Soooo.... Christmas, New Year's and my 40th birthday have passed - and obviously it hasn't been that easy moving on...

Right after New Years I got some very recognizable symptoms of gastritis (magkatarr) that I've been dealing with for a few weeks.  Being a typical ailment of stress, for some strange reason it took me by surprise!  I didn't feel stressed at all and felt like I've dealt with my Mother's passing with such calm and acceptance.  Well as a dear friend pointed out - OBVIOUSLY there's been some major internal stress and like my grandmother says - it needs to exit the body somehow...  I saw a picture that a friend of mine posted on Facebook and it felt very familiar... ;)

I have been receiving a lot of encouraging words from friends and family the past few months and I truly appreciate all your support.  A message that I received yesterday from a friend in California reflects what a lot of you have been saying and it really warms my heart...

When she wrote, it was just after your mothers passing. I wanted to tell you that I rarely go on Facebook and I found myself going on daily to read your blog. You are very genuine and talented writer. Through your heartache you really touched a lot of people including myself. I hope you are continuing to use this gift!! 

I know a lot of you also are wondering what is happening with us from now on.  All of a sudden we're in a frozen spot in Sweden just a couple of hours from the northern polar circle - thanks a lot for that curve ball!!!  Haha, no actually we are enjoying an amazingly beautiful, white winter filled with skiing and skating.  We are in the process of moving in to a little house that is so much more our style than apartment living and depending on the work situation and the ability to create a life here, we are hoping to stay for awhile.  So, to anybody in Östersund in the need for an energetic / motivating Personal Trainer ;)  OR need an international flair to your company by a successful company-builder / entrepreneur and well liked team-leader!  We're here for you! :D

Now... another cup of morning tea and off to the local ski slopes!!!
I'll leave you with some winter pictures...

Love the rainbow shooting up from the ice on the right...

Entering the bridge from the city of Östersund to the island of Frösön

Love all the white trees!



Picking up kids from school while after school care are getting
ready for some serious playing!

While the kids are at school...

... the parents play!!!  :)
(Our local slope on Frösön with the city in the background)

Beautiful view of the frozen lake at my Mom's

First time playing on that ice...

:)

 



Extreme Snow Racing!!! :)



The road we always choose to take to Oliver's
preschool because it's so pretty!  ...it's about the simple things in life!

... and my favorite!
Skyler skiing over to her friends house to play!!! :)

 

My New LIFE Resolution...

It's been a long time since I wrote on my blog.  I haven't really known how to move on...
I mean, how do you go from writing about funerals to recommending a yummy smoothie recipe or whatever else I have on my mind?  Yes, "life does go on" - but not "as usual".  My life has changed...  Even though I can strongly feel my Mom's presence every day, there is at the same time an incredible void there... an empty space that no-one else can fill.

I am preparing for a lot of "FIRST:s" right now...
My FIRST Christmas without my Mom - one that we had planned for together and that I've been looking so much forward to...  I've put lights on the christmas tree outside her cottage.  The perfect little tree that she made sure to save when clearing out all the trees of her property back in May.
My FIRST New Years without my Mom - New Years that has never really been a big thing for me, but that this year I can't wait to celebrate!  New beginnings...  New opportunities...  New experiences...
 -Just to be done with this toughest year of my life...
My FIRST Birthday (in a couple of weeks) without my Mom.  The person that gave me life and that always have made my birthdays feel super special.  I have always been childishly excited about my birthdays!  This one will be my 40th and all I wish is that my Mom would be here to play her messed up version of the Swedish birthday song on her harmonica!  Hahaha - she never had a musical ear, but she tried so hard!!!

In this personal blog about our life I feel like I can't go on writing without acknowledging that since I wrote last we also lost one of Danny's best friends to cancer.  Danny went back to the USA on a very emotional trip to pay his last respects to our friend Greg and we followed with a heavy heart on social media.  One picture that a friend of Greg's posted on Facebook really struck a cord with me.  It was an almost identical picture that I posted the day that my Mother died.  We have compared my Mom and Greg before as being people to fully embrace life and I feel like these pictures really show that side of them both...

Greg and his Mother

Mamma

What I've taken away from this experience and this year is that once my day comes and I'm getting ready to take my last breath - I hope to feel exactly like my Mother!  I hope to feel the pride, the fulfillment, the peace and the feeling of no regrets!!!  

And with that, my New Years resolution - actually, make that my New LIFE Resolution is to:  Be in the moment; Challenge myself; Take action,  Live life to its fullest and most of all Laugh, Laugh, Laugh!!!! 

I wish you all an amazing Christmas and a fantastic New Year!!!

Now I will move on...

A joyous funeral - is that possible?

Monday morning and another BIG milepost has passed...

On Friday we had the funeral services for my Mother and it went way better for me than I had expected.  I was prepared for the fact that this might be the day when I really get to cry and let all my feelings out - and it didn't worry me the least.

My cousin, Petra picked me up a few hours before the service so I would have some time at the church beforehand.

It was, of course, initially hard to see the casket at the front of the church.  But then, walking around and reading the nice notes on the flowers that friends and family have sent, lighting a candle for my Mom and just seeing how everything is slowly turning into a really beautiful setting for a last goodbye really strengthened me.

The church ended up full and knowing my Mother's past, my second-cousin Lena said "Leave it to Monica to draw a full house on her last performance..." ;)  -So true.
The funeral turned out really amazing!  The minister was light-hearted and like one of the family.  A friend of my Mother's (that my Mom actually had requested) sang some beautiful songs and there was so much love and warmth and true appreciation for my Mother's life that the strongest feeling I felt that day was PRIDE.  I am so proud of the life that my Mother has lived - so proud of the way she has touched other people's hearts - and most of all so, so, so proud to be able to call her my "Mamma"!

Following the service we (150 people) gathered next door to the church for a nice soup luncheon with fantastic bread - just like my Mother would have served it.  People were sharing stories and happy memories all accompanied by some nice jazz music by my Mother's friends.  (Caterer and music were also requested by my Mom.)  I think my cousin Magnus nailed it when he at the end of the day said "I've never seen people leave a funeral with big smiles on their faces before!"  Now, that is a true celebration of somebody's life!

I want to thank everyone that came and truly made this day into such a special day and an equally big thank you to everyone that have donated money to cancer research, Bassestiftelsen or other funds that are close to your heart.  I know that your generosity will make a great difference in other people's lives!

Much love!

Airports are for my Mother and I...

I've been told that it may hit me at the strangest times...
Well I guess, come to think of it, I should have known...  Having lived abroad for 18 years, airports are such an emotional place for me anyway.  It's either the happiness of meeting someone or the sadness of parting ways.

On Tuesday we drove up to the airport to pick up Danny's parents that are coming to visit and help us out for 10 days.  Eagerly waiting, standing by the door I saw a middle aged mother moving her way up to the revolving doors and her daughter, coming in from the tarmac, sinking in in her mother's arms... hugging... just a little longer than everyone else...
That should be me!!!  Airports are for my Mother and I to stand at... holding each other... breathing deep until our hearts synchronize...  And the plan was for that to happen so many more times...

Today I'm going out to the church to help decorate the tables where we will be having a lunch after the funeral tomorrow.  It will be all good, I know... I just have to get through tomorrow.

Obituary

I feel like I've passed another milestone in this involuntary grieving process.  My Mother's obituary and words of remembrance were in the newspaper on Saturday.  I am pleased with how they both turned out, but it is surreal to see my Mom's picture on those pages - she doesn't belong in that part of the newspaper...
Below is the link to the ad the way it looked in the paper:
http://op.se/slaktvanner/minnesord/1.5278895-monica-nordenstrom

And this is what the obituary looked like:

Vår älskade Mamma

Mormor, Dotter och

Syster

Monica

Nordenström

 2 mars 1945

har fridfullt somnat in

Näcksta

31 oktober 2012

Erika och Danny

Skyler, Porter, Oliver

Mamma Runa och

Härje

Sune och Kerstin

med familj

Se Dig omkring - jag

finns redan här....

Jag är skuggan på

marken. Jag är luften

som Dig bär.

Hör mig viska i vinden.

Se mitt solstänk i Ditt

hår.

Våra vägar har ej

splittrats - jag följer

vart Du går.

Begravningsgudstjänsten

äger rum i Marieby kyrka

fredag 23/11 kl 13.30.

Därefter inbjuds till minnesstund

på Mariagården.

O.s.a senast 19/11 till Ellebrinks

begravningsbyrå

063-102181. Tänk gärna

på Cancerfonden och

Bassefonden.

Here is a translation of the words of remembrance:

My beloved, wonderful mother, Monica has passed away on October 31. She was 67 years old.

It is hard to try to describe my mother's life in just a few columns. Her personality was so much bigger than that. The first thing I want to express is the enormous gratitude I feel for her life and the feelings she has passed on to me and so many others.

Monica was born at the country grocery store in Marieby that her mother Runa owned. She had a great childhood and Monica was curious. She left home as a 14 year old to work as an Au-Pair in London for two years.

Many know Monica as an enthusiast, a businesswoman and a go-getter in all the projects and organizations that she has taken a part in. Working for the city she made a big impact in projects for the elderly. Fitness for elderly, "Tuesday-fun at Jamtli" and theater performances for retirees just to name a few. She was also a performer herself and was a part of a month long New Years theater twelve seasons in a row.

When Monica was one of the people starting up Östersund's own youth circus Kul & Bus she became a circus manager full time and ran the circus for 16 years. My mother appreciated every single child and I've been told by many that she was not only a leader - she supported, listened and changed many lives. She also cared for children in hospital settings and volunteered as a hospital clown at the children's ward at Östersund's hospital. 1990 Monica was awarded the price Årets Gregorius and 1995 the city of Östersund's culture stipend for her work in the circus.

When she later on moved back to our family farm in Marieby she decided to start a bakery. The plan was for it to be a hobby but my mother got involved in multiple organizations that promote organic foods and local produce. She started a popular summer cafe' and later also a winter cafe' with hearty soups and amazing breads. She was also involved in many other organizations preserving the village history or promoting cultural events in the village as well as starting up Mariagillet - a group that want to spread the word of the Pilgrim trail S:t Olav. 

My mother has had some very tough setbacks in her life. The most challenging was when she lost her first born twins and later in life my big sister, Andréa. Through it all she has still had an amazing strength and ability to appreciate life. As a parent she was supportive and present. Even though I've spent the last 18 years in the USA we were so very close. My favorite moments were when I, with my morning cup of tea and she, with her afternoon cup of tea almost daily sat and talked in front of the computer. 

When the grandchildren arrived she was the proudest grandmother ever! She had the privilege to be present during the delivery of the first two in California, which according to her were some of the greatest experiences of her life.

Monica never stopped looking forward. In the middle of tough chemo treatments she bought herself a house. In six months she has renovated, cleared the woods, built a road, built a second cottage and created the most wonderful little place that she called "my place on earth".

I'm so happy that my family and I this spring made the decision of moving to Sweden to be here for my mom. We have had an amazing summer and fall together and have all, thanks to my mother, found a profound peace and calmness that will follow us the rest of our lives.

Monica was very caring of her family, surroundings, friends and neighbors and is missed by her mother Runa & Härje, brother Sune & Kerstin with family, myself & Danny with our children Skyler, Porter and Oliver.

With enormous love and admiration,

Erika Nordenström

As my uncle Sune and I said on the phone on Saturday - We made it through this step too and we will be fine...

Surprise video of Mom

My days have been filled with planning, arranging and preparing for my Mom's funeral.  It's now 4:20 am and I have finished writing my Mother's story of her life for the newspaper, which is customary here in Sweden.  I actually enjoyed writing this and when I did a web search on my Mom's name I found that she had made a 38 minute video on how to bake traditional Swedish thin bread!!!  Haha - who knew?  She never ceases to amaze me!

All is well.  I understand that all the planning and busy times are keeping my mind occupied, but I am still doing okay.  The comfort that my Mother gave me in the end had such a strong impact on me and will stay with me forever.

From fear to calm...

Ever since my big sister Andréa died when I was 6 years old, the day that I have feared the most is when something happens to one of my parents.  I have feared the fact that no one else can understand exactly how I feel, because no one knows my parents exactly the way I know them.  I have feared that I would feel so extremely lonely...
After my Mother's passing I surprisingly find myself mostly calm.  The outpour of support and comforting thoughts from friends and family has of course helped a lot.  But I think the fact that my Mother was in complete peace when she passed has had the biggest impact on me.  She received everything she asked for and was only sedated for a day - half of which she even communicated with us at times.  She was not in pain... not afraid... and she was ready... in her home where she felt safe.

When I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday she asked me if I got to say everything I needed.  That thought hadn't even entered my mind.  With the relationship that my Mother and I had we communicated everything to each other.  There is nothing that I feel has been unsaid and I feel fortunate that I could just be there to comfort, support and help her through her passing.

I know some of you are worried that I don't allow myself to feel.  But I have cried and I'm not trying to be strong.  I'm not afraid to show my feelings and I'm sure there will be days that are tougher than others... but I'm okay with that.

I've always admired my Mother for the incredible strength she's had and how she's stayed positive and looking forward through the deepest, darkest tragedies and maybe... just maybe I've inherited some of that strength.

I'm also comforted by the fact that my Mother has touched so many lives and will live on in not only her family's lives, but in so many others.  She told me to remember the good times and how can I not remember our amazing, crazy times?  I will share with you one of my favorite memories...
Porter had just had his 5th birthday with an incredible Pirate party in the park and Oliver kept asking for us to make him a Surprise party also.  He asked for a Tiger-Lion party and wanted us to say "one, two, three... surprise!!!" and sing happy birthday.  One day when Ollie went down for his nap my Mom said Let's do that party!  We had roughly an hour - my Mom baked an awesome roll up lion cake out of her imagination.  We painted our faces and had the best afternoon and evening one can imagine!

Push arrow for video...

In the evening we went downtown Huntington Beach and had a sushi dinner.  This guy came up and asked what we were celebrating.  Nothing special, we said - just having a good day!

Love, respect and pride...