My New LIFE Resolution...

It's been a long time since I wrote on my blog.  I haven't really known how to move on...
I mean, how do you go from writing about funerals to recommending a yummy smoothie recipe or whatever else I have on my mind?  Yes, "life does go on" - but not "as usual".  My life has changed...  Even though I can strongly feel my Mom's presence every day, there is at the same time an incredible void there... an empty space that no-one else can fill.

I am preparing for a lot of "FIRST:s" right now...
My FIRST Christmas without my Mom - one that we had planned for together and that I've been looking so much forward to...  I've put lights on the christmas tree outside her cottage.  The perfect little tree that she made sure to save when clearing out all the trees of her property back in May.
My FIRST New Years without my Mom - New Years that has never really been a big thing for me, but that this year I can't wait to celebrate!  New beginnings...  New opportunities...  New experiences...
 -Just to be done with this toughest year of my life...
My FIRST Birthday (in a couple of weeks) without my Mom.  The person that gave me life and that always have made my birthdays feel super special.  I have always been childishly excited about my birthdays!  This one will be my 40th and all I wish is that my Mom would be here to play her messed up version of the Swedish birthday song on her harmonica!  Hahaha - she never had a musical ear, but she tried so hard!!!

In this personal blog about our life I feel like I can't go on writing without acknowledging that since I wrote last we also lost one of Danny's best friends to cancer.  Danny went back to the USA on a very emotional trip to pay his last respects to our friend Greg and we followed with a heavy heart on social media.  One picture that a friend of Greg's posted on Facebook really struck a cord with me.  It was an almost identical picture that I posted the day that my Mother died.  We have compared my Mom and Greg before as being people to fully embrace life and I feel like these pictures really show that side of them both...

Greg and his Mother

Mamma

What I've taken away from this experience and this year is that once my day comes and I'm getting ready to take my last breath - I hope to feel exactly like my Mother!  I hope to feel the pride, the fulfillment, the peace and the feeling of no regrets!!!  

And with that, my New Years resolution - actually, make that my New LIFE Resolution is to:  Be in the moment; Challenge myself; Take action,  Live life to its fullest and most of all Laugh, Laugh, Laugh!!!! 

I wish you all an amazing Christmas and a fantastic New Year!!!

Now I will move on...

A joyous funeral - is that possible?

Monday morning and another BIG milepost has passed...

On Friday we had the funeral services for my Mother and it went way better for me than I had expected.  I was prepared for the fact that this might be the day when I really get to cry and let all my feelings out - and it didn't worry me the least.

My cousin, Petra picked me up a few hours before the service so I would have some time at the church beforehand.

It was, of course, initially hard to see the casket at the front of the church.  But then, walking around and reading the nice notes on the flowers that friends and family have sent, lighting a candle for my Mom and just seeing how everything is slowly turning into a really beautiful setting for a last goodbye really strengthened me.

The church ended up full and knowing my Mother's past, my second-cousin Lena said "Leave it to Monica to draw a full house on her last performance..." ;)  -So true.
The funeral turned out really amazing!  The minister was light-hearted and like one of the family.  A friend of my Mother's (that my Mom actually had requested) sang some beautiful songs and there was so much love and warmth and true appreciation for my Mother's life that the strongest feeling I felt that day was PRIDE.  I am so proud of the life that my Mother has lived - so proud of the way she has touched other people's hearts - and most of all so, so, so proud to be able to call her my "Mamma"!

Following the service we (150 people) gathered next door to the church for a nice soup luncheon with fantastic bread - just like my Mother would have served it.  People were sharing stories and happy memories all accompanied by some nice jazz music by my Mother's friends.  (Caterer and music were also requested by my Mom.)  I think my cousin Magnus nailed it when he at the end of the day said "I've never seen people leave a funeral with big smiles on their faces before!"  Now, that is a true celebration of somebody's life!

I want to thank everyone that came and truly made this day into such a special day and an equally big thank you to everyone that have donated money to cancer research, Bassestiftelsen or other funds that are close to your heart.  I know that your generosity will make a great difference in other people's lives!

Much love!

Airports are for my Mother and I...

I've been told that it may hit me at the strangest times...
Well I guess, come to think of it, I should have known...  Having lived abroad for 18 years, airports are such an emotional place for me anyway.  It's either the happiness of meeting someone or the sadness of parting ways.

On Tuesday we drove up to the airport to pick up Danny's parents that are coming to visit and help us out for 10 days.  Eagerly waiting, standing by the door I saw a middle aged mother moving her way up to the revolving doors and her daughter, coming in from the tarmac, sinking in in her mother's arms... hugging... just a little longer than everyone else...
That should be me!!!  Airports are for my Mother and I to stand at... holding each other... breathing deep until our hearts synchronize...  And the plan was for that to happen so many more times...

Today I'm going out to the church to help decorate the tables where we will be having a lunch after the funeral tomorrow.  It will be all good, I know... I just have to get through tomorrow.

Obituary

I feel like I've passed another milestone in this involuntary grieving process.  My Mother's obituary and words of remembrance were in the newspaper on Saturday.  I am pleased with how they both turned out, but it is surreal to see my Mom's picture on those pages - she doesn't belong in that part of the newspaper...
Below is the link to the ad the way it looked in the paper:
http://op.se/slaktvanner/minnesord/1.5278895-monica-nordenstrom

And this is what the obituary looked like:

Vår älskade Mamma

Mormor, Dotter och

Syster

Monica

Nordenström

 2 mars 1945

har fridfullt somnat in

Näcksta

31 oktober 2012

Erika och Danny

Skyler, Porter, Oliver

Mamma Runa och

Härje

Sune och Kerstin

med familj

Se Dig omkring - jag

finns redan här....

Jag är skuggan på

marken. Jag är luften

som Dig bär.

Hör mig viska i vinden.

Se mitt solstänk i Ditt

hår.

Våra vägar har ej

splittrats - jag följer

vart Du går.

Begravningsgudstjänsten

äger rum i Marieby kyrka

fredag 23/11 kl 13.30.

Därefter inbjuds till minnesstund

på Mariagården.

O.s.a senast 19/11 till Ellebrinks

begravningsbyrå

063-102181. Tänk gärna

på Cancerfonden och

Bassefonden.

Here is a translation of the words of remembrance:

My beloved, wonderful mother, Monica has passed away on October 31. She was 67 years old.

It is hard to try to describe my mother's life in just a few columns. Her personality was so much bigger than that. The first thing I want to express is the enormous gratitude I feel for her life and the feelings she has passed on to me and so many others.

Monica was born at the country grocery store in Marieby that her mother Runa owned. She had a great childhood and Monica was curious. She left home as a 14 year old to work as an Au-Pair in London for two years.

Many know Monica as an enthusiast, a businesswoman and a go-getter in all the projects and organizations that she has taken a part in. Working for the city she made a big impact in projects for the elderly. Fitness for elderly, "Tuesday-fun at Jamtli" and theater performances for retirees just to name a few. She was also a performer herself and was a part of a month long New Years theater twelve seasons in a row.

When Monica was one of the people starting up Östersund's own youth circus Kul & Bus she became a circus manager full time and ran the circus for 16 years. My mother appreciated every single child and I've been told by many that she was not only a leader - she supported, listened and changed many lives. She also cared for children in hospital settings and volunteered as a hospital clown at the children's ward at Östersund's hospital. 1990 Monica was awarded the price Årets Gregorius and 1995 the city of Östersund's culture stipend for her work in the circus.

When she later on moved back to our family farm in Marieby she decided to start a bakery. The plan was for it to be a hobby but my mother got involved in multiple organizations that promote organic foods and local produce. She started a popular summer cafe' and later also a winter cafe' with hearty soups and amazing breads. She was also involved in many other organizations preserving the village history or promoting cultural events in the village as well as starting up Mariagillet - a group that want to spread the word of the Pilgrim trail S:t Olav. 

My mother has had some very tough setbacks in her life. The most challenging was when she lost her first born twins and later in life my big sister, Andréa. Through it all she has still had an amazing strength and ability to appreciate life. As a parent she was supportive and present. Even though I've spent the last 18 years in the USA we were so very close. My favorite moments were when I, with my morning cup of tea and she, with her afternoon cup of tea almost daily sat and talked in front of the computer. 

When the grandchildren arrived she was the proudest grandmother ever! She had the privilege to be present during the delivery of the first two in California, which according to her were some of the greatest experiences of her life.

Monica never stopped looking forward. In the middle of tough chemo treatments she bought herself a house. In six months she has renovated, cleared the woods, built a road, built a second cottage and created the most wonderful little place that she called "my place on earth".

I'm so happy that my family and I this spring made the decision of moving to Sweden to be here for my mom. We have had an amazing summer and fall together and have all, thanks to my mother, found a profound peace and calmness that will follow us the rest of our lives.

Monica was very caring of her family, surroundings, friends and neighbors and is missed by her mother Runa & Härje, brother Sune & Kerstin with family, myself & Danny with our children Skyler, Porter and Oliver.

With enormous love and admiration,

Erika Nordenström

As my uncle Sune and I said on the phone on Saturday - We made it through this step too and we will be fine...

Surprise video of Mom

My days have been filled with planning, arranging and preparing for my Mom's funeral.  It's now 4:20 am and I have finished writing my Mother's story of her life for the newspaper, which is customary here in Sweden.  I actually enjoyed writing this and when I did a web search on my Mom's name I found that she had made a 38 minute video on how to bake traditional Swedish thin bread!!!  Haha - who knew?  She never ceases to amaze me!

All is well.  I understand that all the planning and busy times are keeping my mind occupied, but I am still doing okay.  The comfort that my Mother gave me in the end had such a strong impact on me and will stay with me forever.

From fear to calm...

Ever since my big sister Andréa died when I was 6 years old, the day that I have feared the most is when something happens to one of my parents.  I have feared the fact that no one else can understand exactly how I feel, because no one knows my parents exactly the way I know them.  I have feared that I would feel so extremely lonely...
After my Mother's passing I surprisingly find myself mostly calm.  The outpour of support and comforting thoughts from friends and family has of course helped a lot.  But I think the fact that my Mother was in complete peace when she passed has had the biggest impact on me.  She received everything she asked for and was only sedated for a day - half of which she even communicated with us at times.  She was not in pain... not afraid... and she was ready... in her home where she felt safe.

When I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday she asked me if I got to say everything I needed.  That thought hadn't even entered my mind.  With the relationship that my Mother and I had we communicated everything to each other.  There is nothing that I feel has been unsaid and I feel fortunate that I could just be there to comfort, support and help her through her passing.

I know some of you are worried that I don't allow myself to feel.  But I have cried and I'm not trying to be strong.  I'm not afraid to show my feelings and I'm sure there will be days that are tougher than others... but I'm okay with that.

I've always admired my Mother for the incredible strength she's had and how she's stayed positive and looking forward through the deepest, darkest tragedies and maybe... just maybe I've inherited some of that strength.

I'm also comforted by the fact that my Mother has touched so many lives and will live on in not only her family's lives, but in so many others.  She told me to remember the good times and how can I not remember our amazing, crazy times?  I will share with you one of my favorite memories...
Porter had just had his 5th birthday with an incredible Pirate party in the park and Oliver kept asking for us to make him a Surprise party also.  He asked for a Tiger-Lion party and wanted us to say "one, two, three... surprise!!!" and sing happy birthday.  One day when Ollie went down for his nap my Mom said Let's do that party!  We had roughly an hour - my Mom baked an awesome roll up lion cake out of her imagination.  We painted our faces and had the best afternoon and evening one can imagine!

Push arrow for video...

In the evening we went downtown Huntington Beach and had a sushi dinner.  This guy came up and asked what we were celebrating.  Nothing special, we said - just having a good day!

Love, respect and pride...

Loss for words...

Today October 31st my Mother passed away around 6pm.
It was peaceful...  I layed next to her stroking her face and hair and Annbritt sat on the other side holding her hand.

Tonight I just can't find any words to write so I choose to share a picture of how I want to remember her...

This picture she sent to me after she had recieved her cancer diagnosis.  In true Monica fashion she just wanted to show me her strength and let me know that she was going to be okay...

I love you so much Mamma!!!

Mamma är nersövd / Mom is sedated

Post in English will follow...

Min 5:e natt hos Mamma har varit lite mer fridfull.  Efter ett par riktigt tuffa nätter bestämde Mamma sig för att hon inte ville ligga och må dåligt, utan att hon ville bli sövd.  Hon har sagt att hon tycker om när hon går in i någon sorts dvala där hon fortfarande kan höra våra röster runtom henne.  Mormor åkte hem igår morse efter två dagar med oss.  Hon är så fantastiskt stark och hon uttryckte att hon tyckte att det var skönt att få vara här - det känns skönt för oss också...  Efter Mormor hade åkt kom tre av Mammas väninnor hit.  Vi hade en skön stund tillsammans där Mamma mest låg och lyssnade med ett leende på läpparna, men också lade in en och annan kommentar.  Precis när vi höll på att avrunda vår stund så kom en doktor och två sköterskor hem till huset för att konsultera och ge Mamma de mediciner hon ville ha.  Danny och barnen kom också hit så att Mamma kunde prata med dem innan medicinerna började ta verkan.  Det var jobbigt och känslosamt för oss alla och det var min Mamma som tröstade oss allihopa... Min älskade starka Mamma... Hon är så fantastisk in i det sista.  Hon uppmanade oss att bara tänka på de lyckliga stunderna... Att hon inte är rädd utan bara är så ofantligt stolt!
Doktorn gav sedan de nödvändiga medicinerna för att hon ska få må bra.  De utvärderade kontinuerligt för att se vilken nivå hon mådde bäst på.  Hon sover mest, men reagerar och svarar ibland på tilltal.  Jag hoppas och tror att hon mår bra och vi gör allt för att hon ska få känna sig trygg och älskad.

Mamma och Mormor...

My 5th night with my Mother has been a bit more peaceful.  After two rough nights she decided that she didn't want to lay there and feel bad, but instead preferred to be sedated and sleep.  She has expressed how she likes it when she's been able to put herself in an alternate state and just hear our voices around her.  My Grandmother left yesterday morning after two days with us.  She is so amazingly strong and told us how much it meant for her to be here - that makes us feel good too...  After my Grandma left three of my Mother's friends came by.  We had a really good time together and my Mother mostly layed there with a smile on her face but also added to the conversation a bit.  Right when we were finishing up a doctor and two nurses came to her home for a consultation and to administer the drugs that she had asked for.  Danny and the kids also came here so that my Mom could talk to them before the drugs started taking effect.  It was tough and very emotional for us and my Mother was the one who comforted us all...  My beloved, strong Mother... She is so amazing until the end.  She encouraged us to only think of the good times... That she is not afraid but only so incredibly proud!
The doctor started giving the necessary medicins for her to feel good.  They kept checking her to see at what level she felt the best.  She is mostly sleeping but reacts to our voices and sometimes even answers back.  I hope and believe that she is feeling good and we are doing everything to make her feel safe and loved.

The power of classical music

5:45 and my Mom wanted a popcicle (isglass).  I am now awake with a cup of tea while my Mom and Grandma are sleeping to the tunes of Mozart as the sun is rising over Lake Näkten.

When I first came to the States as an exchange student in ´94 I had a few host families, but in the end ended up living with my English teacher, Laura.  When my Mom came to visit for Christmas my second year there we went and spent a few days with Laura in her beautiful house in Chautauqua, NY.  My Mom and Laura really clicked and Laura´s love for classical music left an imprint on my Mom.  The classical music would always play at near MAX volume in her houses and it was almost impossible not to be moved by the music - especially when your ribcage is vibrating from the volume! Hahaha
When my Mom found this gem of a house - or her place on earth, as she calls it - one of the most important things was that she needed a CD player and some classical music CD´s.  "I´m going to play my music just like Laura" she´s said.  Well, this morning Mozart is being played very softly, but it is just as moving...

In bed with my Mom...

I´m spending my second night cuddled up in bed with my Mother.  Now it´s 6:15 and I cannot sleep any longer.  Friday was a rough day for her so I drove out to her cottage in the afternoon and spent the night with her.  Yesterday she was feeling a bit better, but she was exhausted and slept most of the day. Just being in this house brings me peace.  Walking around the little house with my Mom's most treasured things and having the open fields, the woods and the lake on different sides of the house just fills my soul...

Skyler was a bit sad when I left on Friday.  She was going to a birthday party with a Halloween theme and I had promised to make her into a vampire.  Danny was left in charge of the makeup and said he had to redo it 5 times...  When they came by to visit yesterday she told me that she had won best price for costume and makeup!!!  Yay, Daddy to the rescue!!!

Today my 92 year old grandmother is coming to stay with my Mother and I for a few days.  Since my grandma wouldn´t want to leave my grandpa home alone, Annbritt, who has been the most amazing help here will go and spend some time with her dad.  I know that it may be hard for my grandmother to come here right now but she wants to come and spend time with my Mom.  And she says, just like me, that it´s easier being close by and feeling like you can be somekind of help than being far away and having your mind wander the whole time...

I can breathe!

I can finally take a big breath of relief!  Because of a few unsettling  days with my Mother in the hospital last week, Danny ended up changing his return ticket from the U.S. and came home a week early.  We picked him up at the airport yesterday afternoon and I almost felt an immediate weight being lifted off my shoulders.  In hindsight, I of course realize that I was pushing myself too hard last week.  I had friends and family offering to come and help out with the kids or other things, but when you're in the middle of everything you don't even realize what help you need.

Today I have been able to spend the whole day with my Mother.  She got out of the hospital yesterday and today we drove out to her little house by the lake.  Her step-sister came up from Stockholm to stay with her for awhile so she doesn't have to stay on her own.  It makes me calmer too.  Last week she had two separate meetings with doctors who told her that the chemo treatments she has received so far have not worked.  She decided that it is not worth it to continue the treatments that all they do is breaking down her body and making her weak.  We are now putting all our faith in alternative medicines and the power of positive energy.  So please keep your thoughts, prayers and energy coming our way!

Planning the Work situation...

Today I've spent the day at a seminar for women who are thinking of starting their own business.  Payed for by government money to encourage more small businesses we got to spend 7 hours with a great instructor, a guest speaker who actually turned out to have her own Personal Training business (score for me!) and a great lunch at a nearby restaurant in the city.  Did I mention it was all FREE?!!  This country amazes me and I'm born and raised here!  Maybe it's good to spend some time away to really appreciate everything that Sweden has to offer...

I really enjoyed my day.  It was great to meet other women in similar situations as well as doing some networking and sending ideas back and forth.

I started off strong when we were listing things we dream of and want to accomplish.  We were then supposed to categorize them in terms of work-related or personal and finally number the top three in order of importance.  When the list was done we went around the table, saying out loud our top three priorities.  No problem... or so I thought...  When they got to me I found myself reading off my number one priority "spending time with my Mom".  It just hit me like a rock and I bursted out crying!  I told Danny I was glad it was a women's seminar, but he told me I might have gotten even more empathy from a room full of men!  Oh well, I guess I left an impression...

Porter and Oliver and I stopped by the hospital while Skyler was at gymnastics tonight.  My Mom had another shaking chill episode this morning and has been feeling pretty tired today.  They started a blood transfusion while we were there and when I spoke to her later tonight she sounded a lot stronger.  They did her x-rays yesterday but she has so far not heard any results.  I will try to make it in in time for the morning rounds with the doctor after I drop the kids off at school.

Time to sleep...

Mom in the Hospital

We had a big scare yesterday.  My Mom called me around noon and could hardly talk.  She had a pain in her side around the liver and was shaking with violent chills.  I asked her if she could contact her nurse that is in charge of her with the home-care (note to self: save nurse's # in my phone...)  My Mom couldn't even get off the couch to get the number (note to self: save nurse's # in my Mom's phone...)  She's had similar shaking chills before and I know how much effort it takes to even try to relax and calm her body down.  I hurried up and got in the car and called some amazing friends on the way.  Maud and Anders who contacted the home-care and got a nurse on the way and Cilla, my Mom's neighbor who left work to go and sit with my Mom until the nurse and I showed up.  You may think it's a small gesture but it means the world to me when in that moment I felt totally helpless.

I drove by the kids' schools and pulled them out of their class rooms. (Come to think of it - I haven't even told the teachers why...)  The drive to my Mom couldn't have felt longer...  We keep saying "we're only a half hour away" - well yesterday there was nothing ONLY about that, with other drivers and fresh snow on the roads...

When we got to the house my Mom was doing a lot better.  The nurse had been there to check her vitals and they had decided that she should go in to the hospital for a more thorough exam.  The kids and I drove her to the city and that's all we know for now.  She was supposed to have an x-ray scheduled anyway, so I suppose that will happen as soon as possible.

Of course, as my Mom started feeling better she quickly got back into her own self - calling her cousin about delivery of a wood stove for her living room... - arranging for pick-ups of MY KIDS on Thursday when I'm supposed to be at a seminar...  - calling me to confirm that I will contact the Vet for her dog...  She never stops - And thank God for that!

snow Snow SNOW!!!

Like a giddy 5- year old I found myself exclaiming to the kids this morning "ohmygosh, it's snowing - it's snowing!!!".  The kids have been asking for snow since they got here in June and finally today is the day!  The walk to the bus stop this morning was so much fun and Oliver kept saying that he can't believe Pappa is missing this and that this is the best day of his life!  Don't worry Danny - we have about 7 months of snow ahead of us now...

I love the fact that the kids already have experiences from living in different places and can compare them for their specific traits.  Skyler made me chuckle this morning when she noted that "we would totally have had a 'snow day' in Virginia today - and then we would be off school and the snow would be melted by lunch..."  I told her that she'd better not expect to have any snow days where school is closed here in Sweden.

After waiting and preparing for this day by going and stocking up on winter clothes at very well stocked flee markets I have to say that I was still completely unprepared!  It actually wasn't snowing when we first got up this morning.  But after brushing the kids' teeth and getting them ready we realized while walking down the stairs that the ground was all of a sudden all covered in white!  My kids will be the ones on the playground freezing their toes off in rubber boots, with rain clothes covering their clothes.  Oh well, usually they run around so much at recess that they don't have time to get cold.  At Ollie's preschool I made excuses that I haven't really had a winter for 18 years and asked them to just put his emergency change of clothes on top of his other clothes when he goes out.  Haha - makes me think of a particular Friend's episode...

Oh well, tomorrow's a new day - and tomorrow I will do better...

No regrets!!!

After reading my last post a friend of mine left me a comment saying "... Your sacrifice will not go un-noticed."

First of all I want to say that I appreciate the comment and took it in no other way than as a compliment but it also inspired me to write this post about my feelings about moving our family to Sweden.

I am forever grateful that we had this possibility to come here to help my Mother.  I always say that I don't ever want there to be any regrets.  My sacrifice would have been NOT packing up and moving across half the globe.  A decision that my dear friend Ronny says would have been fully understandable and accepted.  "Most people would find reasons not to go..."  I understand that looking from the outside - leaving a pretty organized, comfortable life in favor of big question marks filling our future may seem risky.  But by Divine Intervention - or whatever you may call it - our family was in a transition anyway, having just sold our house in California in order to live closer to our East Coast family.  I don't know about you, but I think a lot of times things happen for a reason - we just have to be open to whatever is being thrown our way!

I don't mean to get stuck on words but with our move here and with tough days that we sometimes have - I still can't see the sacrifice - I only see the opportunity!
... An opportunity to bring comfort to my Mother to know that we are there for her through our actions.
... An equally important opportunity to teach our children what our values are.  - To teach them that when a family member (or friend) faces a challenge, we stick together!  I sure hope that's what they learn from this! ;)

Obviously we've been fortunate that the transition has been quite smooth.  The kids already spoke Swedish so well that there's been no problem for them to adjust to school and making friends here.  My husband also enjoys the life here.  He likes to tell the story of the after-school-care that are for children with "parents that work late - like 4 pm or so!" (Like one teacher told us.)  Life here is more focused on the family than work...  As for me, who have not lived in Sweden since I was 21 - I am falling in love with my city all over again!  As a teenager, longing to see the world, I couldn't see all that this city has to offer.  But priorities change... life change... and life is good!

Christmas 2011

Hurry up and wait...

Spent a couple of hours in the hospital with my Mom this morning.  The plan was for her to get her chemo treatments, but her blood levels have been all over the place again.  Yesterday she got another blood transfusion because of low blood counts.  Today all her levels were stabilized except for the bilirubin which had shot through the roof!  My Mom, once again, gets frustrated over postponed treatments and I get worried about what's causing the levels to go up...  Of course there's nothing she can do about it but wait for her body to take care of it.

I read a quote by Tolstoy today... “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”
In my world that couldn't be more true!

Speaking of patience and time - the days are moving along as usual here.  I'm missing my partner in crime and after spending 1 1/2 h at Porter's gymnastics trying to keep the other two occupied, I can feel my fuse being very, very short by the end of the day.  Good thing is that tomorrow I can leave Skyler on her own at her gymnastics - because I don't think I could deal with two hours on a bench with the boys tomorrow...

Numbers and statistics - that's what Doctors know...

Sitting in the kitchen enjoying my morning tea and thinking about life... There's been a lot of that lately... thinking that is...

I dropped Danny off at the airport this morning and won't see him for a few weeks.  He is going back to the U.S. to spend time with one of his best friends who got a really tough cancer diagnosis a couple of months ago.  Danny was able to spend a few days with him at the hospital before he joined us in Sweden and will now have a bit more quality time with him - out of the hospital, following his friend's needs and wishes.  Not a day has gone by without us thinking and talking about our friend.  He will have his 40th birthday at the end of this month and according to medical knowledge and statistics only has a couple of months left.  It is heart breaking and unfair!!!

At the same time I just have an undying need to stay positive.  My daughter, Skyler said the other day, when we were talking about Pappa's friend... "-but he's going to be a miracle!"   And that's it!  Out of a child's mouth it's just that simple!  Just like we keep saying about my Mother's diagnosis - The doctors will speak to you in numbers and statistics, because that's their job and that's all they know!  Just like a child I will never stop believing in miracles!

A picture I took in Yosemite National Park
- I just love it's strength and perseverance!

We love you, "Señor G"

Where is my Mother???

My Mom left on a train on Saturday evening and since then I haven't heard from her!  No, that's actually not entirely true - she did call me on Sunday before she and her friend boarded a ship to go to Estonia... and since THEN I haven't heard from her!!!  How about a short message or a call just to check in?  My grandmother and I are used to have daily contact with my Mom, so now we are calling each other to hear if anyone has heard anything.

I'm actually writing this with a smile on my face, because I'm so happy that her and Maud got to go on this trip that has become a bit of a fall tradition for the two of them.  They take the ship across the Baltic Sea to Tallin, the capital of Estonia and then spend a few days shopping and getting massages for little or no money compared to Swedish prices.  I sure hope they are relaxing and enjoying their time.  And as long as I don't hear anything I expect things are good.

Can't wait to see her again on Friday!

Gothenburg by day...

The Hubby and I are on a high speed train to Gothenburg.  If I had a smart phone I could have twittered you about it - or posted pictures straight into my Facebook account.  Instead I am being made fun of by the conductor on the train for having the oldest phone ever!!!  They have a great service here in Sweden where you can get the ticket codes SMS:ed to your cell phone and don't need a ticket.  Of course I used this service, but the conductor said with that old phone I can't even read the codes!

Then she said - and I quote - "Not even the 85 year old ladies that travel by train have such an old phone..."  Hahaha - I was asking her to convince my husband that I need a smart phone, but unfortunately I think that Danny takes pride in the fact that we don't conform to the masses (!!!)

With all that cleared out of the way we are now enjoying a beautiful, scenic ride down to Stockholm and then across the country to Gothenburg where we will pick up our car that we shipped here from the States.  We have about a 9 hour train ride there and about an 11 hour drive back up to our city.  We are hoping to be able to visit the 3 offices needed to retrieve the car before they close today, so we can start our trip back as soon as possible.  Gothenburg is a beautiful city and I would love to visit more when we have more time, but for now we're keeping our fingers crossed that it will only be a day trip...  The plan was to sleep on the train, but since we don't have a car we decided to walk to the train station at 5 am this morning.  With the brisk walk and cool air I am now fully awake...  Here are a couple of pictures from our morning walk in to the city of Östersund.

Have a beautiful day!

Danny's 40th Birthday

We've had a great weekend celebrating my husband's 40th birthday.  FORTY... that is so far away for me, I can't even begin to imagine how he feels... ;) hahaha.

Danny is probably the most difficult person to shop for.  If there's something that he wants or something that he wants to do he gets it or does it, which doesn't make it easy for us when birthdays and holidays come along...  Thankfully the area around here is like made for him with a lot of outdoorsy activities.  I had been looking at zip-lining or zorbing ( rolling down a hill inside of a big bouncy ball!)  But finally decided on giving him a day of downhill mountain biking in our big ski resort Åre.

On Friday afternoon I asked Danny and the kids to get dressed and ready for a surprise adventure.  I drove them to the train station where they got a first note with tickets for a 1 1/2 hour train ride to Åre and a backpack filled with goodies.

My Mom and I jumped in the car and drove up to the ski resort and our friends' cabin where my Mom started preparing a nice dinner while I picked Danny and the kids up at the town plaza.  We ate a lovely dinner on Friday night, enjoyed a cozy evening and continued our adventures on Saturday morning...

After we got geared up at the bike store we took off for the mountain.

Of course I had been so focused on giving Danny a great experience, I wasn't even thinking about myself!  Riding straight down narrow paths full of rocks on steep hills was a bit out of my comfort zone!!!  Once I got a hang of it, however, it was totally AWESOME!  We found one path that became our favorite and Danny said he has never had so much fun on a bike before!
Here's a video from that path that I borrowed from Youtube:



Tired and euphoric we met up with the kids who had a great day with Mormor grilling hotdogs eating Saturday candy and playing around in the quaint village.

Happy 40th Birthday to my Love, my best Friend and my handsome Husband!

... a content man with helmet hair... ;)

I ran... and cried... and ran...

I've had a couple of pretty rough days with my Mom.  Yesterday one of her doctors called to tell her the results from her last body scan.  It showed some additional tumors on the liver and in the stomach cavity as well as a 15 cm tumor on her ovary - about as big as a grape fruit.  Today we met with an Oncologist to get some answers to our questions.  We mainly had one question, which was if they could remove the tumor on the ovary that has been growing quickly, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option since there are so many others and it would mean that she would have to put her treatments on hold in order to do so.  The plan is to continue her latest form of chemo that she only has had three treatments of so far and hope that they will make a difference.

Yesterday I ran... I dropped Skyler off at gymnastics and ran for 1 1/2 hour straight on the trails in the woods that surround our city.  I ran... and cried... and ran until I was feeling stronger and appreciating everything beautiful around me.  All of a sudden the ground was all wet and soggy and my pink running shoes were more brown than anything else.  But instead of getting upset about it I truly enjoyed the cold muddy water seeping in through my toes and playing with my senses.  By the time I was done running I had been reminded of how darn amazing life is and how we better enjoy it while we're here!

Today after our (not so uplifting) talk with the Oncologist my Mom reached her hand out to me and said "Take my hand and promise that we're going to give it all and try everything we can".  And this is how we continue... there is no other option!

This picture shows my Mom when we picked her up after one of her chemo treatments.  I'd like to think that seeing her grandchildren in the back seat helps lifting her mood...

I admire the strength and positive spirit of my Mom.  I don't even think the doctors know how to respond to her sometimes.  They probably think she's in denial.  Believe me, she's very aware of what a difficult form of cancer this is to treat.  But I still have to believe that if anybody can beat this, it is my Mother!

WE ARE CONNECTED!!!!!

We have lived in our apartment for 19 days now and have FINALLY received our own internet connection!  We don't have a TV and the kids haven't even asked for it, but Danny and I are the ones that have had a hard time being without internet.  It is crazy how used we are to staying connected with things through the internet.  We hardly watched TV in Virginia either, but always read the news or even watched some shows online.  Even more importantly, this is how we mainly stay in contact with our friends and family on the other side of the Atlantic ocean.  Now we are back - and it feels good!!! :)

Kids' School

Second week of school has begun and so far we are very pleased with the school we chose for the kids.  We bought monthly buss passes first thing and actually only ended up using our car once last week as a family!  The kids love the fact that they can ride the bus to and from school or in to town for practices etc.

Here are some pictures from the first day of school a week ago:

Tired babies that have now been moved to their own beds... ;)

 First bus ride to school! :)

Obligatory photo at the school grounds.  School starts at 8 am.

 Porter in the mud room where outdoor shoes are removed and changes of clothes for any possible weather is hanging(!)  Kids play outside at break times no matter the weather - Mamma and Pappa like! :)

Porter needing some time in Mammas lap while adjusting to the new class...

School being greeted by the Great Lake Monster "Birger"

 ... and uniting in a big circle with the the whole school of 500-something students.

Skyler changing in her mud room

Popo easing his way into the class (... with Mamma sitting safely within reach...)  Second day there were no problems, thank goodness!

Skyler at the school cafeteria where the kids serve themselves a warm meal (this day rice and chicken stew) accompanied with a salad bar, bread and butter and milk or water.  All free of charge, of course... ;)

Kids that stay for after-school hours get a second meal served...

1:15 pm and the school is done for the day!

In a couple of weeks our kids will be given something called "home language tutoring", for a couple of hours a week, with I think 3 other children at the school that have at least one English speaking parent.  Our county of about 125 000 people offer home language tutoring in 35 languages (!)  This is something that every school in Sweden by law has to offer.